How to Run With Assburger’s Syndrome


Dozens of people all over the world suffer from assburger’s syndrome, a chronic condition that makes you think it’s okay to put your poop on burgers.

Disgusting, right? It’s time to come clean: I have assburger’s syndrome. And I’m a runner. This article will have very little to do with running. I should never have put running in the title.

I’m sorry, I can’t help myself.

How to know if you have assburger’s syndrome

One out of five people with assburger’s syndrome are unaware of their condition.

If you ever find yourself pooping on your hamburger bun, you might have assburger’s syndrome.

If you think the image above looks appetizing, you might have assburger’s syndrome.

If you are still reading this, you probably have assburger’s syndrome.

How to cure yourself of assbuger’s

There is no known cure to this condition, but some anecdotal reports of eating six cucumbers per day rectally have been floated in the community.

How to tell your friends and family


Don’t. Take this to the grave. Trust me on this – I haven’t been invited to McDonald’s in a very long time.
Good thing I can make burgers at home.